Let’s Be Real, You Expected It

Hey dere,

I’M ALIVE. More on that later. First I have an issue to address. So, the fourteen days of posting was a bust. Totally expected it of course. There were many explanations behind this, but for the sake of keeping it short. I’ll highlight the key reason. The thing is. It turns out D-Day (Results Day) stressed me out a lot more than I anticipated. A good week or so before, I was having difficulty sleeping (and it wasn’t because of my already poor sleep schedule) and I would spend hours every night playing Solitaire to sleep (yes, it’s slightly strange, but whatever). And the countdown was making me more agitated as time went by. I have so many drafts, but I never posted them because the thought of posting them was just solidifying the fact that my short-term future depended on that day and I did not want to be subjected to that terror. So yeah, that’s why I didn’t post.

Back to why I’m alive. I always make this half (kinda true) joke that my parents would kill me before a big event, like receiving results or getting my report. Because I don’t expect that great of a report or a good set of grades and my parents still have expectations of me and will go bat-shit crazy if I don’t perform well. And as you see, there’s always a pattern to when I stop posting. It’s always after one of these report/result events because it gets confiscated. However, this time, after Results Day I just chose not to post. Solely because of the fact that I survived hadn’t quite sunk in yet. It still hasn’t. But it’s getting there.

You see, one of the posts that I wrote and was planning on posting during the countdown was what I had predicted my grades to be. And the grades that I predicted, in my opinion, weren’t aiming very high and seemed depressingly accurate. It made me feel so down because the grades I had predicted meant I couldn’t even remain in my school let alone the sixth form I wanted to go to. Another reason for my low predictions was because I was informed by my lovely head of year that I wouldn’t even be able to achieve 6 As for my GCSEs. You can guess how I felt after that. And my predicted grades weren’t that great either. I have never felt so hopeless in my life. It completely knocked the already dismal amount of self-confidence I had out of me. Although I sometimes feel disappointed with my grades (how can I not when my friends come out with straight A*s/8s/9s) I just remember the time when I wasn’t even going to achieve 6 As. And to be completely honest. These grades don’t even really matter anymore. Well, they might for uni, but I’m going to panic about that at a later date. I will post that post at a later date.

With the grades that I got, I was able to leave my old school. Don’t get me wrong. I loved it there, loved the people and enjoyed things I never did before. But, it drained me physically and mentally every single day. I can easily say that the only reason I enjoyed going to school was because of my friends. I dreaded a lot of my lessons every day. Especially German as you all know. In the end, to me, it only felt like a few of my teachers believed I could achieve better things (grade-wise) and they kept on pushing me and urging me to work and to not give up. Other teachers, on the other hand, gave up really. For example, I was meant to have weekly meetings with the head of the year because I was a ’cause for concern’ but I didn’t turn up for one week and she didn’t bother me again. Yes, I found those meetings bothersome, but shouldn’t it be the duty of someone who is meant to be monitoring my progress to actually see me regularly whether we like it or not. But hey, the past is in the past now and I’ll never have to speak to them again.

And to the present time. I’m currently in the third week of sixth form and I’m trying to be more organised, but that shit went out of the window by the eighth day. I’m working on it, maybe I’ll settle in properly before I make any vast changes. As of right now, my thoughts on the new sixth form? It feels like I’m on a really intense maths camp (which I have been informed that some people in my year did actually go on) and it still doesn’t feel like I’m going to be with these people for the next two years and possibly longer. I’ll talk more deeply about everything another time because I feel like this post won’t do it justice. I honestly have so much to say but such little focus to actually sit down and just write. So I’m currently just writing this on my bus journey to school or I’ll never write it.

In other news, my dad got me a bike during the summer holidays even though he knows I can’t ride a bike. He even expected me to use it to cycle to school. He must have been mad.

I’ll be back soon if I just sit my arse down and write, and yeah, currently posting this during my free because they’re a thing now and they’re kinda awesome.

– C



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